Healthcare Should Be Banned

Today is the day that Congress will vote on ObamaCare 2.0 the Remix ft. DJ Pauly Ryan. All eyes are on Donald Trump, who will without a doubt close this deal easily. That’s terrible for America.

Trump ran on a promise of “repealing and replacing” Obamacare, but I don’t think that goes far enough. What America needs is an outright ban on all forms of healthcare and insurance in general.

Insurance is the literal definition of a Ponzi scheme. Take car insurance for example. You pay in every month just in case one of those months you can get your car fixed because your wife tried to parallel park next to a fire hydrant and fucked up your door. Meanwhile, your money is going toward crackheads and drug dealers who fuck their cars up every month. But the people who get most of your money are the CEOs who don’t even have insurance because they don’t drive in the first place.

The same applies to healthcare. People who are healthy foot the bill for the drug addicts and pregnant women who “need” insurance. Healthcare is a charity system where you don’t get to write off your expenses at the end of the year. What’s the point of doing charity if I can’t even get anything out of it? Oh, every liberal witch doctor from University of Phoenix Medical School thinks we should have socialized healthcare? No shit, they’re like the CEOs who profit from it.

Here’s how you fix all insurance: no one is required to buy it until they need it. The first time you crash into a BMW because you were texting while giving your boyfriend a blowjob is when you sign up for a $50,000 loan to pay it back over 10 years. Whether or not you have car, you pay into this to fund other retards who think they can drive and suck dick at the same time. Meanwhile the hardworking man whose car you’ve ruined won’t have to wait to get a new one, because there are plenty of people already paying into the system. And they all deserve to.

Do the same thing for healthcare, and you’ve got an A+ bill. I’m not paying thousands of dollars into a service that I have literally never used just so kids can get shots and women can get recreational abortions. Make them pay for it! If I ever need it, I’ll pay my fair share too. But I won’t ever need it, because I’m a young and healthy man.

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A Federal Crackdown On Weed Is Exactly What Legalization Efforts Need Right Now

This week, Sean Spicer said he expects the Justice Department to crack down on legal marijuana, and stoners everywhere cried a collective “Dude, what?” What most of them are too high to realize, however, is that this is exactly what will bring them their Ark of the Covenant: federally legal weed.

“Dude, what?”

As more states have taken legalization into their own hands, efforts to de-schedule marijuana on a federal level have completely stagnated. This is because the laws haven’t been enforced, so why bother changing them? Everything was great how it was right?

Unsurprisingly, you are wrong.

Federal restrictions on marijuana have completely stunted the industry. Dispensaries are forced to store cash on-premises because they can’t legally open a bank account. Investment into pot startups is almost exclusively speculative. And it’s all because of the conflicting mess of state and federal laws leaving a multi-billion dollar industry hanging in a legal grey zone.

So how does cracking down on states lead to federal legalization?

Eight states have fully legalized marijuana, taking the experimental leap into the promised revenue streams that only an industry like drug dealing could provide. And now, they’re facing that money being taken away. What’s worse, this is coming from their Public Enemy #1: Donald Trump.

While every Congressman is quick to jump on the LARP-train and use words like “resistance” to describe their reaction to the crackdown, few seem to notice that this doesn’t actually accomplish anything. What they should actually do is instead pass some sort of bill that would leave marijuana laws up to states to decide. Unfortunately, no such bill currently exists or has ever existed in Congress.

Oh wait yes it fuckin does

This bill passing would immediately end any “federal crackdown” on legal weed. How do I know? Because Jeff Sessions explicitly said that if Americans don’t want him to enforce the laws, Americans should change them. So, if the representatives want to do what their actual job is and pass a bill instead of acting like pseudo-celebrities grandstanding soapbox ideas that have no bearing on real life, they could provide some of this real change we keep hearing about (and with the added bonus of getting to spite President Trump!)

What you can do: Write and call your Congressmen and encourage them to support HR 975, because their fancy words of rebellion are only worth their weight in bullshit. Or, you can keep falling for the Trump Boogeyman scapegoat they use to maintain their nice jobs on Capitol Hill not showing up to work.

Or don’t, I don’t give a shit I’m going to get high anyway.

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Westboro Baptist Church Joins Trump Protests: Will Liberals Disavow?

(Spoiler: They won’t)

The Westboro Baptist Church, one of the largest and most active hate groups in America, is notorious for its extremely anti-Semitic, homophobic, and disrespectful demonstrations. It is described by the Anti-Defamation League as “one of America’s most reviled hate groups.” So surely, any self-respecting liberal would do anything to avoid association with these terrible people?


Wrong, they like it.

By the laws of logic set forth by liberals during this election, refusing to disavow the support of a hate group makes you an associate of that group. We saw it when the KKK “endorsed” Trump (which was quickly met with disgust and disavowal by many supporters). Unless of course, that group is supporting your cause and you happen to be a liberal. Then, it’s just “awkward.”

This is the most blatant case of liberal hypocrisy I have ever seen, and if it isn’t enough to convince any sane person to disassociate with their insane identity politics then I don’t know what is. No Trump supporters thought it was “awkward” that the KKK showed support for our candidate, President Trump. We thought it was terrible. We refused to acknowledge it, because we know these intolerant groups don’t deserve the attention.

This is not something to joke about. Any protesters need to disavow the Westboro Baptist Church instead of proudly sharing your similarities on Facebook, just like Trump supporters did with the KKK. It wasn’t hard for me to say, “I do not agree with the KKK’s support of Donald Trump.” Refusing to ban them from your protests is, in effect, reaping the benefits of their publicity for your own cause.

Unsurprisingly, not one anti-Trumper has made any denouncement of this group. On the contrary, they handspring into a mental gymnastics routine like a bunch of Russian girls. I’ve compiled some great examples of liberals bending over backward in an impressive display of hypocrisy in an attempt to defend the WBC and justify their existence in this segment of…

Facebook Bullshit: Coming to terms with the fact that you’re a terrible person


This is so funny I’m crying-emoji twice.


A hate group is a hate group every day.3

This is called “cognitive dissonance.” You don’t want to feel like a fascist, but deep down you know you are.


Imagine saying the same thing about the KKK: “Aside from the lynchings they’re great for a little comic relief.” These people are sick.


This is the classic self-defense mechanism of “Saying two completely conflicting things in once sentence.” It is a backbone technique of propaganda.


Definitely disappointed in yourself.


This is a good explanation: we don’t hate him for the same reasons, he’s just so hateable that anyone can hate him!


The Westboro Baptist Chuch says on their website that “The only true Nazis are fags.”


Sounds like the basis for all these protests


Ah, the classic defense of “doing it ironically.” It’s just a social experiment, bro!


Bernie still has a chance!


(Spoiler: You’re not)

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Boycott the #FakeWeather Channel

This week, conservative news group Breitbart came under fire for allegedly misrepresenting a video on climate change created by political oversight powerhouse (((The Weather Channel))). The article in question, citing a video on El Nino, suggests that recent trends in global temperatures could be attributed to the storm rather than just human actions. Naturally, The Weather Channel responded with the liberal snarky smugness we’ve all come to loathe:

To our friends at Breitbart: The next time you write a climate change article and need fact checking help, please call. We’re here for you.

Folks, this is just the latest in a long line of fake news plaguing the minds of innocent consumers. And it’s finally come to this: fake weather.

I find it ironic that The Weather Channel is offering advice on “fact checking” because for years, they’ve been peddling inaccurate (and often completely false) “predictions” about the weather. Their self-proclaimed analysis frequently lacks any credible sources and has been proven wrong at times. What’s more, their broadcasts have been shown to differ wildly based on the location of the people they wish to control.

Pictured: #FakeWeather

Pictured: #FakeWeather

This is why I’m calling for a boycott of The “Weather” Channel. Their false reporting impacts millions of people every day who rely on them to be informed about what to wear. We need sites like Google and Facebook to help curb the spread of fake weather by removing links to reports from The Weather Channel in favor of more trustworthy sources like AccuWeather. Then we can be sure that everyone hears the same forecast, without any unnecessary influential variation. This is an important resource for people who lack the ability to assess the weather on their own.

But it’s just as much our job to help prevent the spread of fake weather beyond the extremist safe harbor of The Weather Channel. Here’s some tips to help you figure out if you’ve been a victim of fake weather:

  1. Is it from The Weather Channel? The Weather Channel are known liars, harvesting your clicks for ad revenue. Avoid weather reporting from them.
  2. Check outside. If the weather outside matches the weather you heard about, it’s probably reliable.
  3. Become psychic. Weather is the reporting of the future. This makes it difficult to accurately predict yourself unless you are psychic. This is unlike regular news, which covers events in the past and can thus be easily verified by anyone.
  4. Dress in layers. This is the safest bet to protect yourself from fake weather. If you dress in extra layers, you can always just take some off if it’s too hot.

Hopefully these tips can help you be an informed person navigating the outside world. Bundle up, my little centipedes, it’s going to be cold out there.




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Liberals Aren’t Funny

I have never heard a liberal tell an original joke. I don’t mean that as hyperbole; I mean it literally, in the most literal sense of the word “literally.” Every joke a left-winger has ever told me I have already heard on Reddit, The Daily Show, Twitter, or any of the other liberal hivemind propaganda machines.

No less than 100% of liberals are mind-numbingly unfunny. Not in a “rape isn’t funny” kind of way, where what you really mean is “rape isn’t something to joke about.” More in a “Ghostbusters 2016 isn’t funny” way, meaning that there is a total lack of anything resembling comedic substance at the very core of their personalities.

What makes a liberal so unfunny? The same thing that makes anyone unfunny: they think they actually are funny. True humor doesn’t come from a sense of mocking self-pride or a need to constantly reaffirm your own beliefs; humor comes from a place in your heart that doesn’t care what other people think of you. This is why Trump supporters can tell a good joke.

Take the current round of hilarity being vomited up by liberal Facebook pages: sharing allegedly unflattering pictures of Trump, because “he said he doesn’t like them.”


This is the difference between liberals and conservatives. This liberal “joke” is actually an attack intended to make Trump somehow feel bad. This is different from when Trump supporters say things like “Shillary” or “Libtard” because we don’t say those things to attack those people. We don’t give a shit if they ever hear those words. It’s for us to laugh at them.

By the way, I promise you that Trump has never said anything about a picture making him “look bad.” He is history’s biggest narcissist, do you really think he finds any photo of himself unflattering? You are not sharing these pictures because “Trump said not to”; you’re sharing them because “Occupy Democrats” on Facebook told you to. Because you’re a fucking sheep, dumbass.

The problem is that liberals don’t actually tell jokes. What they think of as a “joke” is, to anyone with a cock bigger than their own ego, mindless opinion-stroking. On the other hand, whenever they hear a conservative tell a real joke they write it off as racist and refuse to laugh. That’s why liberals will never be funny: they refuse to learn how from the people who are.

But just because the phrase “liberal humor” is an oxymoron doesn’t mean we can’t still laugh at their attempts. Much in the same way children failing at simple tasks is hilarious, so is the ridiculous notion of liberal comedy. So, if you are a liberal comedian getting laughs at the Tuesday Open Mic, just know that a good amount of those people probably aren’t laughing with you.

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Trump Announces 35% Tariff on White Privilege

As rumors swirl around Trump’s transition team and cabinet picks, many are wondering what the first actions of the new president will be. While some have criticized the president-elect for allegedly “rolling back” on some of his campaign promises, he has held firm on his plans for international trade, notably a proposed 35% import tax on all foreign goods. Inside sources are now confirming that this tariff will include one of America’s most valuable commodities: white privilege.

White privilege, which accounts for a large portion of the American economy, was first invented in the late 18th century and popularized in fiction by unemployed millennials. Since that time, however, large corporations have moved the production of white privilege overseas, costing millions of hardworking Americans their jobs. By taxing foreign-made white privilege, the hope is that American companies will return to their previous way of manufacturing privilege right here in America, allowing American workers to assume that privilege at a lower cost.

Sources say that the proposed tax is a “near certainty” at this point, confirming speculation that the Trump campaign was run on an effort to literally capitalize on white America. Those sources report that the privilege tariff is an effort to not only bring back more white people’s jobs, but also to increase the quality of privilege consumers have available to them here in the states. With the recent abundance of social justice warriors and cucks in general, the benefits of white privilege have decreased considerably. Insiders in Trump’s transition team report that this tax is seen as a compromise intended to quell racial tensions, as it is the closest they can get to taxing people directly for just being white.

It’s worth noting, however, that this tax will apply specifically to privilege, not outright racism, due to the fact that racism is still 100% produced in America at the offices of the DNC and mainstream media.

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