Slick Willy had plenty of fun,

And Hillary thought she had won,

Huma Abedin,

Married Diddler the ‘Wein,

Now both of the Clintons are done.

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Why I’m Not An Organ Donor

People are always telling me I should be an organ donor. Kind of in the same way beautiful people get told they should be models, or tall people get told they should play basketball. I guess I just have the face for it.

Tall people.

Tall people.

What’s frustrating is that no part of me (pun intended) wants to be an organ donor, and the pressure people put on me for it is a violation of my American rights. The moral majority will not hesitate to shame anyone who decides to keep their body intact, and it’s utterly hypocritical.

I’ve got four words for you: my body, my choice.

It’s a phrase the women of America are all too familiar with in fighting legislation telling them what they can and can’t do with their bodies. And as the women of America are well aware, there’s one organ I’ve donated plenty of times. But that isn’t enough, because I still have to deal with judging looks every time I show my driver’s license to the cashier at the liquor store at 9AM just because I’m not an organ donor.

Why even make it seem like you have a choice in the matter if it’s so morally wrong to keep your organs to yourself? As a society, we tend to just outlaw the things that everyone views as “bad”, so what makes being an organ donor (or not) any different? If I said I wanted to keep my organs for religious reasons, people would have to let me. But religion isn’t real so what difference does it make? Hop off my dick, people.

Finally, people tell me that if I’m not an organ donor then I shouldn’t expect to receive someone else’s organs, should I ever need them. That’s ridiculous. Of course I would accept an organ donation if I needed one, but only from someone who wants to be an organ donor and isn’t just doing it so they don’t feel like shit around their asshole friends. That’s why it’s called an organ “donation” and not an organ “free trade market”: you don’t have to give to be able to receive.

I don’t need a reason to not want to be an organ donor. You’re free to hate me because of that, but it’s a basic freedom of being an American. I recognize the wonderful donation made by those who do (admittedly at no cost to themselves), and I recognize that I relinquish any claim to that glory by not donating.

I could be convinced for the right price.

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Early Voting Should Be Illegal

The tradition of voting in America is sacred. It’s a protected right of the people by the Constitution which has prevailed for over 200 years, even though some people have tried their hardest to corrupt it.

Unfortunately there is an epidemic among voters known as “early voting”. This is where impatient voters are allowed to cast their ballots weeks ahead of the national day of voting, and it’s on the rise. A clear result of the minimal millennial attention span, early voting does nothing more than allow voters to ignore their democratic responsibilities by “getting it out of the way”. As if taking 15 minutes to pull a lever once every four years to decide the most important leader in the world is such an inconvenience.

Let me make one thing clear to millennials: voting isn’t like some woman who you can just grab by the pussy and throw away as quickly as possible; it’s an important civic duty. Just like He wants you to save your virginity, Jesus wants you to wait before you cast your ballot for Trump. Give not into sin, children.

The problem is that people already say election day should be a national holiday, as if those complaining about “not having time to vote” actually hold jobs that prevent them from getting to their local high school between the narrow 15 hours of 6am and 9pm. The next logical extension is to make the entire period of early voting a national holiday, like some sort of Americhanukkah. We simply cannot afford that big of a labor shutdown in a Christian nation.

It’s also misleading to the voters who might think they’ve made their decision, but are actually wrong. Remember, there are still several weeks of WikiLeaks dumps and James O’Keefe videos to be released. In this case early voting is like pre-ordering a video game. Sure, right now you think you’re signing up for Half-Life 3, but in a couple weeks you’ll realize you just bought No Man’s Sky.

Reviews: Overwhelmingly negative.

Reviews: Overwhelmingly negative.

Ultimately, voting is a simple multiple-choice test of your ability to choose the logical candidate. I personally hope that incorrect voting choices will one day be used to generate national sterilization databases (in order to prevent future genetic errors). But there’s a reason the SAT isn’t offered to anyone who wants to take it two weeks in advance: people will cheat. Knowing the questions ahead of time gives an unfair advantage to anyone who didn’t study (and based on the number of people with English degrees working minimum-wage, we know that liberals don’t study).

This is why I propose, at the very least, an amendment to early voting laws. Early voting will remain legal, but those who choose to partake must be given a different version of the ballot than those of us who wait their turn. It’s only fair.

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“#RepealThe19th” is a Good Start

This week Nate Silver made the obvious statement that Donald Trump would win the election by a landslide if only men voted. To logical people like you and me, this is no surprise; men have historically been better voters, but only because we have 130 years more experience. This is why many took to Twitter (ground zero for constitutional legislation) to promote the idea of repealing the 19th amendment with the hashtag #RepealThe19th.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Bill, that’s great, how can I help?” Well I have some bad news: the liberals are trying to shut down our movement. They’ve branded it as a sexist, misogynistic expression of manly hate, just like they do with everything they don’t like. And as usual, they have no real defense besides emotion and muh feelz. Some of them even suggest that we do the opposite and only allow women to vote. Projection and lack of self-awareness aside, these arguments hold no water. That’s because there is a YUGE difference between proposing a new, sexist amendment and repealing an old, unconstitutional one.

Keep in mind, these are the same people who would not hesitate to repeal the 2nd amendment, which is at least 15 amendments more important than theirs. Considering that there are only 27 amendments, that makes guns approximately 63% more constitutional than women’s right to vote.

Don't believe me? Check my math.

Don’t believe me? Check my math.

The fact of the matter is that the system is already in place to repeal amendments we just don’t care about anymore. Look at prohibition, which has two amendments: one to create it and one to repeal it. We realized we had made a mistake and corrected ourselves. This is the kind of flexibility that the founding fathers wrote into the constitution.

While we’re on the subject, here are some other amendments I think we could do without:

1st Amendment

This one is a doozy, and it’s just poorly written to be frank. Allowing freedoms such as religion and peaceable assembly are simply unfeasible to enforce reasonably in today’s modern society. Many people are finding loopholes in this amendment, and it’s time that something was done about that. Probably just tell them to stop.

16th Amendment

Taxation is theft. The 16th amendment makes income tax legal and that, in my opinion, is far worse than just allowing women to vote. This was probably done as a distraction to allow the next few to slide through.

22nd Amendment

This one will probably be voluntarily ignored once Trump is elected, but just to be safe we should get rid of it. Limiting the terms of an elected official is a form of expressive restriction and fundamentally contradicts the freedoms our country was built upon. This is akin to setting arbitrary limits on the blood alcohol content of drivers. Unconstitutional.

24th Amendment

This amendment makes it illegal to prevent anyone from voting due to unpaid taxes. This is a blatant contradiction of the 16th amendment. If we’re going to have tax laws, you can’t just let the people who ignore them get to decide who runs our country. They need to at least take advantage of legal tax loopholes (like Trump) to avoid their debts, but outright not paying them? Give me a break. Al Capone was busted for not paying his taxes, do you want Al Capone voting for the next president? I didn’t think so.

26th Amendment

I’ve addressed this before, but young people are just too stupid to be able to vote responsibly. Their impressionable minds leave them open to harassment and influence by manipulative Democratic campaigns. We don’t even let children drive a car until they’re 16, and cars kill thousands of people every year. Just imagine how many lives could be saved by raising the voting age. This amendment doesn’t need to be repealed, per se, but it should be updated to a more reasonable age than 18.

27th Amendment

Imagine if you were given a raise, but your boss said he wouldn’t give it to you until after you left the company. That’s basically the 27th Amendment.

So go out there on November 8th and vote for what you know is right, unless you’re a woman I guess. You can do your part by civilly disobeying the stranglehold of pressure put on you by the 19th amendment. Remember, it was passed by men so there must be something wrong with it.

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Fat People Are Racist

We’ve got a problem with fat people in America. Specifically, the fact that fat people are the most racist group in the country. Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with fatness. I know plenty of healthy, well-adjusted fat people. So for the purposes of this article, it should be noted that I don’t hate fat people for being fat. I hate them for being racist.

Fat people are the number one appropriators of cultures they don’t identify with. Taco Bell, Olive Garden, and KFC are just a few examples of the foreign cultures fat people mock with a wanton disregard for their origins. And while minorities are running from police, fat people are blissfully unaware of the physical exertion required to outrun taser leads.

Now, a liberal may try to confront you on this by slyly claiming that “not all fat people” are racist. In this case, just remind them of one thing:

Donald Trump is fat.

Of course you and I both know he’s just big-boned, but liberals have already convinced themselves that Donald Trump is both (a) fat and (b) racist. He’s obviously neither of those things, but when arguing with the stupid you need to lie a bit sometimes. (Sadly, however, many of Trump’s supporters are fat and thus the primary reason for the negative image of Trump’s otherwise healthy, tolerant demographic.) Other notable examples include Paula Deen and Walt Disney, both fat racists.

Now, just because all fat people are racist does not mean that all racists are fat. For example, Hitler was a very fit man and he is arguably the gold standard for modern racism. However, the white sheets worn by the Ku Klux Klan are clearly one-size-fits-all. This is because rednecks are fat and, by association, racist.

The clothes worn by fat people require more fabric and thus, more work for third world country sweatshop laborers. Fat people then claim that these clothes should cost the same as smaller, more efficient models. This is effectively a demand that foreign minorities be paid less. Racist.

Regardless, money is no object for fat people. This is because it is expensive to be fat. To afford that much food requires an income roughly equivalent to the GDP of a small country, one that most likely profits from the suffering of minority labor. That’s obviously racist. It is well-known that most rich people are white, fat, and racist.

But this goes beyond just your everyday racism. As Donald Trump mentioned in the first debate, fat people are hackers. Being good with computers, many fat people find jobs in the tech industry which, as you know, is dominated by white males. Therefore, fat people are also sexist.

Much in the same way that racists deny being racist, fat people often deny being fat. They’re likely to respond to negative headlines about other fat people defensively, saying things like “why does it always have to be about weight?” They will rationalize their fatness (and their racism) by saying there are plenty of other people who are fatter (and more racist). But we know the truth. Fat people view other fat people as the most beautiful race. This is because they have created an Aryan ideal of a fat America with Ronald McDonald’s complexion. The only people who love racists are other racists, so fat people must be racist.

Obviously, some of my examples are more “fat prejudice” than “racism”. Just because you happen to meet a fat person every day that hates minorities doesn’t necessarily mean that they are all as bigoted as that. But, if it looks like racism, talks like racism, and waddles like a fat person, then they’re probably racists.

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Planned Parenthood is Sexist

Liberals seem to hold the belief that conservatives simply hate women. While this might be true, their evidence is always shoddy at best. Usually they cite Republicans’ attempts to defund Planned Parenthood as proof, but that’s not really a great example. They almost imply that men want women to lack access to cancer screenings and STD tests. This is flagrantly counterintuitive, because fewer women with cancer means more blowjobs per capita.

In reality, conservatives think taxes shouldn’t go toward funding Planned Parenthood because Planned Parenthood only benefits women. Why should men and women pay for it? They’re just taking money from one half of the population and giving it to the other. Besides, if there’s any chance I’m going to get a girl pregnant, odds are I’m already spending enough money on her. There’s no reason to also tax men who aren’t even getting any.

The closest thing to a persuasive argument for Planned Parenthood is free birth control, because illegitimate children are, at best, fiscal hemorrhages. But women don’t need tax-funded birth control because condoms are already free. Walk around for 10 minutes in any city and people will hand you condoms. If you need a couple extra just check out a pride parade; they literally throw them from floats like candy.

Before you say, “but birth control puts protection in the woman’s hands,” realize that no man has ever forced a woman to let him wear a condom. In fact the only reason condoms exist is because women make men wear them.

Ultimately the problem with Planned Parenthood is that there’s no alternative for men. This is why it should not only be defunded, it should be privatized. The free market would realize that, by only appealing to women, they’re ignoring half their marketable demographic. Also, men as consumers tend to spend more money (because they make more money). Then there would be no need to tax everyone, because if these services are so necessary for everyone they’ll have no shortage of customers.

Update: I’ve had some thoroughly-cucked readers try to point out to me that Planned Parenthood does offer services to men. I know that. They offer exactly four services to men. For reference to liberals, there are fewer links on that page than on Donald Trump’s “positions” page. Saying Planned Parenthood is fair because they provide services for men is like saying Planned Parenthood is evil because they provide abortions. The mere fact that they need a page proving that they accept men as customers proves just how little they offer.

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